When Your Partner Isn’t Into Fisting

During my Depth is Psychological webinar, someone anonymously asked me a question about being a receptive partner with someone who has a particularly large hand. Their concern was that their partner was worried about hurting them during a session.

I acknowledged in the moment that those concerns were worth taking seriously and that having an honest conversation about them was important. But because the question was anonymous, I couldn't exactly follow up afterward.

So, whoever you are, if you're reading this: this is me following up. 😂

But the question also got me thinking about something broader: what happens when partners don't experience FF in exactly the same way?

In my work, I've encountered couples where one person is deeply interested in FF and the other isn't. I've also worked with couples where both people are interested, but they come into the experience with very different levels of experience, confidence, or concern.

That's made me think a lot about what sexual compatibility actually means within a long-term relationship.

You don't have to share every sexual interest with your partner

There's a tendency to think about sexual compatibility as though two people need to want the same things in order to be compatible.

I understand why. If something is an important part of your sexuality, it makes sense that you'd want a partner who understands it, enjoys it, and wants to explore it with you.

I've noticed this especially among people who are really interested in FF. There can be a strong desire to find a partner who is into it too. If FF is an important part of your sexual life, having someone you love who shares that interest can sound like the ideal situation.

And if you find that person, that's wonderful.

But I'm not sure shared sexual interests are always as common as we sometimes imagine them to be.

That's an observation from my own work rather than a claim about couples generally. I don't have data showing how often one partner is interested in FF while the other isn't. I just know that this dynamic has come up often enough in conversations with clients that I've started thinking about it differently.

Maybe we don't need our partners to share every part of our sexuality.

People change. Relationships change.

I was talking with one of my clients recently who told me that he and his husband have been together for 40 years.

When they were younger, they had a much more physically intimate relationship. Over the years, that part of their relationship changed. Their sex life became quieter, but that didn't mean they stopped loving each other.

They had simply changed as individuals, and their relationship changed with them.

I found that really meaningful because it's easy to imagine a long-term relationship as something that stays relatively consistent if the love is still there.

But people don't necessarily stay the same throughout a 40-year relationship. The things we want and the ways we experience intimacy can shift over time, sometimes without either person doing anything wrong.

And sometimes two people who love each other deeply don't evolve in exactly the same direction sexually.

That doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.

FF can be something you explore as an individual

I think this is especially important when we talk about kink.

FF can be part of your sexuality without needing to become part of your romantic relationship.

You can be curious about it, learn about it, practice it, or develop a relationship with it as an individual. If your partner happens to be interested too, you may have an opportunity to explore it together.

But your partner's lack of interest doesn't necessarily invalidate your interest.

And their lack of interest doesn't necessarily mean they aren't accepting of you.

Sometimes it simply means that this isn't their thing.

I think there's something freeing about allowing that possibility.

You can love someone deeply without wanting to do everything they want to do sexually. And they can love you without wanting to participate in every part of your sexual life.

What if your partner is interested, but nervous?

This brings me back to the anonymous question from the webinar.

If your partner is worried about hurting you, I don't think the answer is simply to tell them not to worry.

Their concern deserves to be heard.

If something about FF feels unfamiliar or intimidating to them, they should have room to talk about what they're worried about. They should be able to ask questions and say what they're comfortable with, what they're unsure about, and what they would need in order to feel comfortable participating.

And the person receiving needs to be able to do the same.

What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? What would make you want to stop? What would make either of you want to slow down or change course?

Those conversations aren't separate from the experience. They're part of it.

And there's an important distinction here between inviting someone into something you're excited about and trying to convince them to become excited about it too.

Those are two very different things.

Don't turn your partner into a participant

This is something I think about a lot when couples reach out to me for training.

Usually, one person is the one who finds me. They send the inquiry, ask about couples training, and tell me that they're interested in learning together.

That's completely normal.

But I always emphasize one thing: both partners need to be genuinely enthusiastic about participating.

Not necessarily equally experienced. Not necessarily equally knowledgeable. Not even necessarily equally excited in exactly the same way.

But both people need to actually want to be there.

I've had situations where it's pretty clear that one partner is driving the entire experience while the other is mostly going along with it. And you can feel that difference during a session.

Couples training shouldn't become a way for one person to pressure the other into trying something they don't actually want.

If you're the person who really wants to explore FF, it's okay to be excited about it. It's okay to tell your partner that you'd love to share that experience with them.

But there's a difference between saying “I'd love to explore this with you” and saying “I need you to be into this because I want you to do it with me.”

The first leaves room for your partner to make their own decision.

The second doesn't.

Sexual compatibility doesn't have to mean sexual sameness

Maybe your partner will surprise you.

Maybe they'll become curious about something they initially didn't understand. Maybe they'll discover that they enjoy it. Maybe they'll want to learn more but never want to participate themselves.

And maybe they'll simply say, “That's not for me.”

All of those responses are worth respecting.

You may meet someone who shares your kink. You may meet someone who is curious about it. You may meet someone who has absolutely no interest in it but is completely supportive of you having that part of your sexuality.

None of those things, by themselves, tells you what kind of relationship you're going to have.

A person can share your kink and still be a terrible partner for you. And someone can have no interest in your kink while being deeply loving, supportive, and accepting of that part of your life.

Sexual compatibility matters. But sexual compatibility doesn't necessarily mean sexual sameness.

For some couples, FF will become something they explore together.

For others, it may remain something one partner explores independently.

And for some, it may simply be something they talk about, understand, and respect without ever participating in it.

There's room for all of those relationships.

If you want to explore FF together

This is also why I offer couples training through my practice.

The couples I work with come to me for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they're both interested in FF and want some guidance as they learn together. Other times, one partner has more experience and the other is newer to it. There are also couples who are curious about exploring FF together but aren't quite sure what that would look like for them yet. In those situations, having someone facilitate the experience can give them space to figure out what they actually want to explore together.

But the starting point is always the same:

Both people need to want to be there.

If that's where you and your partner are, couples training can give you a space to learn together, ask questions, and approach FF with more understanding and confidence.

And if your partner isn't into it?

That's okay too.

You don't have to turn every difference between you into a problem that needs solving. Sometimes loving someone means giving them room to be different from you.

—Danny Mercer